Faith and Trust for #3

Ella 1 Day Old

Will 1 Day Old

I have a lot of great, wonderful and heartbreaking blogs that I follow...and a lot of them have children just like our Ella. One of the blogs that I read is about a little boy named Max. Ellen is Max's mom and she posed a question today "Where you scared of going for kid no 2?" As I read through the post and then the comments I realized that I was scared about having William, but knowing that Ella's condition was such a fluke and so rare, I think I really let go of the fear and allowed God to do what HE felt was right for us and for His glory. I have to admit, I think getting pregnant with Will I was still in a fog and not really sure what the heck I was doing...again. I remember thinking that I didn't know how I was going to do every day with both kids, and I'm still not sure. I do know that finding Kristie when we did was a huge blessing and in more ways than I could have imagined.

Well, if thinking about having two kids was scary, then why in the WORLD would we think that we could handle THREE kids?!? I don't know. Honestly, I'm not sure I was ready to tackle the question of the next one. I was just figuring out our system with two. Will is at the point where he can communicate and walk and feed himself...things I'd never experianced thus far with a child...and now we are adding an infant into the mix.

One reason we announced so early was to ask for prayer. I need prayer as we look for a new attendant to help us everyday (as Kristie has decided to move on to a different job). I need prayer for my fears of anything happening again. Honestly, the amount of special needs blogs helps, because I don't feel along and hurts, because I see how much is possible out there.

So, how do I combat the fears? Prayer and faith and trust. I pray, and hear my husband pray, daily over fears. All of the "what if's" and "how do we" can keep me from moving forward any day. I have faith that my God is bigger than any of these fears. I believe that my God is good and faithful and loves me and my daughter very much. Although it's hard to know why Ella is handicapped, I know that no answer this side of heaven would be good enough to know why. I trust Him. I'm reminded of the question that Joe and I have been asked by God every day, but more loudly since Ella was born "Do you trust me?" and some days "Do you REALLY trust me?" I want to trust Him. I want to put all of my trust in Him. Some days I do really good at this...and some days I struggle and pray for more faith.

When I look at the babies above I get excited that they will get another sibling. Ella will have someone else who pushes her and Will will get an actual playmate. I also never wanted to put all of the pressure of Ella's long-term care on Will...now he will have someone to share that responcibility with when we are gone.

I ask for prayers and wisdom. Three children is difficult for ANYONE, but when you add in a child who is 32 lbs and doesn't walk or talk or feed herself or a long list of other things, it's IS scary.

*This post seems all over the place as I read it back to myself. I've stopped a few times while writing it as I'm sitting in the waiting room where Ella has therapy. I've had one PT come out and tell me what all we need to do and who all we need to contact to her her new feeding system ordered and approved. Her other PT came out to tell me how she did today and how she just doesn't process her right side very well, and what we can do at home to help her. I'm waiting on Speech and OT to come and give me their opinions of today...and I pray that she did well for them. I then got distracted by an older boy, maybe even 18, laying in a wheelchair and looking at a board with his eyes to tell him mom what he wanted because he couldn't speak. Fears...I have so many. I want her to walk, I want her to talk, I want her to be functioning as a 3 year old. But I want God to be glorified, and I want to desire what HE has planned for all of us, all 5 of us.