God brings me to my knees

I've felt like God was trying to tell me something the past couple of days. When I found out that Claire Cox passed away I think I realized a part of what God is trying to say "Andrea, it's not as bad as it could have been". I remember the emotions that went through me as the nurses came to our room and told us to notify our families and pastor...that Ella wouldn't live through the night. I remember not sleeping and jumping at every telephone ring and knock on the door, and praying that they weren't saying she was gone. I hope that it will never be as bad as those first few days of Ella's life.

Now it's just different. I don't wonder if she'll live, but I wonder what kind of a life my sweet daughter will have. As I stood up at bible study on Tuesday (and I really HATE to talk in front of people) I realized that I'm scared. I thought I was tough enough to stand there and tell these women of the struggles that I face with Ella...and I broke down. I haven't stopped crying. I bawled to Joe twice yesterday, I broke down to my mother today, and I sat on the couch most of the day (Ella and I both in our PJs) and just held my daughter and cried...she slept most of the day and doesn't have a clue of her emotional mother. After physical therapy on Tuesday I feel drained. Not physically the way Ella does, but emotionally. I know that we have a God who performs miracles, but as Matt Mooney says, that's doesn't mean that it's in God's plan to perform those miracles. I hold on to a prayer that was echoed Tuesday by one of the ladies at church..."that there be a complete healing of Ella"...but only if it's God's will...that's hard. God gives us our children as gifts and we are to hold them out to Him with open hands...Marian is good at reminding me of that...but it's so hard when you want to hold them close. One thing that's hard for me is that I can't "fix" Ella. There is nothing I can do. As I mentioned therapy was hard this week...we are starting to figure out alternatives if Ella doesn't walk, either when she should or ever. That's hard to swallow. We also talked about the fact that Ella is behind (an understatement) developmentally, and Kathy had to remind me that Ella isn't on the slow-end of "normal"...she's on a completely different chart of neurologically damaged. I don't want my daughter to be "damaged"!! I don't want her to struggle!! I want her to be able to play with other kids, and go to dances, and walk up the stairs, and have a great education, and have all the opportunities I had...AND MORE!! I am prideful in the things that I think are important for Ella, but that's how I feel. They aren't saying she won't be able to walk, but the further we get without her being able to instinctively hold her head up (the way we automatically breathe) is just that much more of a chance that she will have physical and learning problems down the road. Please pray for my hopeful heart. Pray for my faith in a faithful God. He has been SO good to us in our marriage and now our daughter...may I remember that daily. As we enter into this season that is about the birth of a man who saved us from all sin, may I remember that Ella's greatest accomplishment in life won't be to walk...it will be to accept Christ as her Lord and Savior. May God keep me focused on Him, when I want to focus on my wants and needs.

A verse I read tonight on the Mooney's blog and it stuck with me:
II Cor. 1:3,4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

May we all have comfort with where God has us and where we can go with His guidance.