Heaven

So, after writing the last post I remembered that I've always wanted to post about this song (if you don't know the background, Steven Curtis Chapman wrote/sings this song after the loss of one of his young daughters):

Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That disappear when she smiles.
Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name
Says, “Daddy please come play with me for awhile.”

Chorus:

God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for.
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.
So right now...

Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep,
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing.
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms,
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams

And God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m longing for
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.

But in my mind’s eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space.
All the cancer is gone,
Every mouth is fed,
And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed.
Every lonely heart finds their one true love,
And there’s no more goodbye,
And no more not enough,
And there’s no more enemy.

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone.
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You,
And we both run into Your arms.

Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream.
It’s far beyond anything I can conceive.
So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl,
Heaven in the face of my little girl.

I've wanted to re-write the lyrics to reflect how I think heaven will be for Ella. Heaven will be where Ella is able to talk, and run, and dance, and tell jokes, and sing praises to her Savior, and tell us all the thoughts she can't communicate here in this imperfect world.

We arrived to the evening service at church last night and the other mission churches of ours were there. As the music started I could see the "Silent Friends" ministry singing their praises...of course they were using sign language. I started to cry. I love singing in church. I always have. I can remember being a youth in church and dancing and singing right next to my friends. We would make up our own motions to the fast songs and to this day I miss standing next to Lesa because she was the person I always loved to hear sing in my ear. Worship through song was always my favorite part of the service, even though I can NOT sing according to the ears of this world. I wondered if Ella would ever just close her eyes and sing praises and know that she's singing to the One who saved her. Life with a special needs child is interesting. It's not "normal", and I know this because I have two typical children. It's also not the same kind of loss that is experienced when a child dies. I would say it's somewhere in between. I am so grateful that Ella survived her horrible infection and brain injury, but so sad some days when I realize how much she will miss. Granted, she'll probably miss out on a lot of pain, but I want her to get to experience true joy and love. I won't speculate to what will happen to Ella in the future, I mean...she's only 4-years-old; but I can say that there are days when it grips me how different this is than I had planned. Funny, something as simple as shopping is different for us. Ella has to wear one-piece outfits (rompers, longalls, etc) but that snap in the crotch for easy opening...not normal for most kids her age/size. I see all these cute clothes for little girls, but I know that I can't buy them and that stinks (umm, shopping is one of my favorite things in life!!).

Anyway, a lot of rambling and since I'm sleep deprived please excuse me if it doesn't make any sense.